Land of Confusion

A few days ago I wrote about my bittersweet take on the holidays. It now seems like it is more bitter than sweet in light of recent events. I feel like my future is gone now, as well as my past. I guess I should clarify. I feel like the future I thought I was going to have with Todd is gone. Actually, I know it's gone. I know that there is another plan out there for me, I just wish someone would enlighten me as to what it is.

I've pretty much decided that I just don't care anymore. I guess I'm getting used to the fact that I just may not ever meet "Mr. Right". In the immortal words of Cameron Diaz in "The Sweetest Thing", "...just look for Mr. Right now..." And maybe that's what I need to do. I need to stop putting so much stock into these guys I meet. I need to just take things one day at a time, and not fall for all the bullshit lines they give me. I guess I need to learn to be a cynical dater. I trust way too quickly and easily. I guess you could call me gullible. Maybe I am. I've always been the type of person who will trust you unconditionally until I am given a reason not to. Of course, once that reason surfaces, then I am done with you. I'm thinking that maybe I need to start by not trusting people. I really don't know if that's the best route to go either. I guess it just goes back to the old "Damned if you do, damned if you don't".

I'm still trying to decide what I want to do with my life. I'm debating a few options right now. Still tossing around the idea of going to Denver. I just don't think I can do it though. Even though the money would be better, I have never lived in a big city before. I really like the slower pace of small town life. On the other hand, maybe the hustle and bustle of the city is what I need. I really just don't know what I want. I do still have a few months to figure it out I suppose.

I've put my dating profiles back online again. Not sure if I want to get into something right now, but I figured what the heck. I don't get out very often what with working two jobs, so it's pretty much my only avenue to get to know people. There have been a few people on there who have piqued my interest, but we'll see.

I know some of you are thinking 'but wait, Todd and she just broke up a few days ago' To further enlighten the situation let me say this. Yes, we just broke up on Tuesday, however, I have not seen the man in over a month. I hadn't even talked to him in almost a week. Yes, I was getting ready to move out to be with him. Yes, we had talked about getting married. In a way, I think the distance is what was fueling all of that. Our relationship was hot, heavy, and short-lived. I believe the distance is what contributed to it ending as well, although I will never really know for sure what his reasons were. I know that ultimately he wasn't the man for me, otherwise we would still be together. So rather than wallow in misery over something that isn't meant to be, I am ready to move forward with my life. Hopefully a little wiser.